I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
