I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
