I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
