I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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