I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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