She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
