If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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