I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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