the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
