I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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