in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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