Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
