So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
