No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
