I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
