Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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