I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
