chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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