You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
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