I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
