The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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