You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
