it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
