when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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