i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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