just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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