Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
