I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I need a beard to bite.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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