sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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