I like my sex mixed with concussions.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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