I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
