i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
