I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
