They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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