I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
