Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
