worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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