I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
