sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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