i just sent this text using only my big toe
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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