I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
