My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
