The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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