mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
