I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
