can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
