i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
