you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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