i think i have two assholes
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
