when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
